Jun 17, 2016

Man you got more paragraphs there than half the forum has posts.

 

Jun 17, 2016

just do drugs untill u dont think as much

 

Jun 17, 2016

I don't know if it's because of the nvld or just who I am, but I feel like I'm looking at the world as a alien.

People confuse me. Why? There way of looking at the world maybe. Maybe they are more like me than I think, maybe I just miss signals or some s---. But I would lean towards my perspective just being different. Am I overly logical? Am i unintelligent? I don't know. I heard a quote recently that said something along the lines of "all geniuses seem crazy to idiots". Maybe idiots is too strong of a word and the quote didn't use it, but you get the gist. I hope that's true. Am I a genius? Or am I just stupid? Why do I view everything so differently? Why do I obsess over people liking me? Why do I have no idea how to handle emotional situations? Why do I have no idea how I feel about anything? Like do i really not care about s--- in supposed to? Or do I just care differently? Or do I not know how to handle the information I'm getting the same way as everyone else?

I am fascinated with the idea of happiness. How do you obtain it? How do you feel content? How do you feel like your value is optimal? I think I want to make videos about people's life, people's reality's. Interview people, open people eyes to certain s---, etc. Would I feel completely content and valued doing that or would I just want more line I always do?

I always tell myself "if this happens I'll be good" but then it either happens and I just find something else to want, or it doesnt happen and I just stop caring about it.

Now what I want is to feel like a part of a group. I want a girlfriend with the same mentality, same confusion, perhaps same brilliance, (?) and then maybe I'll be happy. But u worry then I will want to feel like the rest of the world. How long can I be in my bubble? How do I get out of it?.

Nvld is f---ing intresting. I want to meet another "nlder" so badly. Just f---ing hug them and cry. Adapting is so hard. People always think we are stupid. You would expect someone to know how to tie there shoes or cut there nails at 15 but some of us cant and it makes us seem dumb. I would love a world where nvld is just as know as dyslexia. Not many people are f---ing looked down on for reading terribly. They get empathy and consideration (as they should) but we (nvld people) don't. Why should we have to have to have a well known label to get empathy instead of judgment? Why can't people just not look down on people? Perhaps you have to know what it's like to not be able to keep up but also feel smart to understand. But that shouldn't be how it is. I wonder if people are nicer in the north (I live in Texas) or other countries. Or perhaps they just dont think about s--- like this. Perhaps most people feel at least somewhat normal and don't critically think about s--- like this. Or maybe they do k don't know.

Can I survive in the adult world? I can't cook, I was making eggs and didn't know the handle would get hot on the pan. I didn't even knkw what kind of thing to cook it in. I cooked it in the wrong type of pan or whatever the f----- it's called. I constantly do s--- that makes me look, and feel stupid.

But then I go and makes news videos for school and I obsess over every detail and both teachers I have had over the years all say I'm "amazing, best I have ever seen for the grade". Do you have any f---ing idea how good that makes me feel? It gives me hope. It makes me feel like I'm a genius. I may struggle with certain s--- most peope dont, but f--- them. f--- everyone who judges me for my mistakes and everyone who looks down on me. I'm gonna be more successful and find my place in the world and k--- it.

I hear about some people my age going through things I can only fantasize of. Relationship problems, certain feelings, etc. I worry in wasting my life away. I worry I will never truly be living, just viewing the world from a odd, isolated, angle.

But maybe I will find my place one day. I wonder if the reason I don't connect is my appearance. I have acne. My head is big. I'm fat. But maybe I look better than I think and I don't get approached as much because of my weird personality. Maybe some people have tried to connect but I do t see it. Maybe I overestimate how hard it is to connect.

Socializing often feels fake to me. Sometimes it bores me. But I f---ing crave it. I want to belong and connect, but why don't I? How do you know if your boring or not?

My empathy is fasincating. Sometimes I don't care about things most people get emotional about, then other times I care so f---ing much. The other day I was thinking about how I dont talk or connect with my dad. I looked at a baby book with pictures of little me and my dad and I f---ing balled crying. How I can be so distant when he seems to want to connect and love? Does he? The pictures make me feel like he does. My dad is not good about expressing feelings. The last time I can remember him doing it was when I told him I had a knife hidden in my room and wanted to die. I told him where the knife was and he got nauseous. I said "you alright"? And he said "sorry, that just scares me, love you bud". In tearing up now.

I have no idea how my mom is feeling with her life. She has always had the short stick. She acts dumb too (albeit somewhat differently) and has always struggled with relationships. From 3rd to 6th grade, my life was hearing her f---ing fight with her boyfriend. Now they don't fight as much but I can't tell if she is happy. I used to emtoinally be really f---ing lose with my mom, now my interactions feel so f---ing fake. I think it might be f---ing Zoloft making my brain weird but I dont know if that's what it is. I love mom so much but I dont know how to express it or connect in a meaningful way. I use to hlwhe I lived with her, I dont fully know what changed, but I have to figure it out. My mom doesn't have friends really, she connects with her sister really well, but I think she needs more. She trys so hard to please and have me like her. Her boyfriend always just seems to talk down to her (in a kinda passive aggressive way) and I would be so sad if I had her life. She can't get a break. I swear to f---ing god I will do everything possible to give her that break before its too late. I dont know if I can, but I will try to the best of my ability.

I want to go to college and make a huge f---ing documentary about some real life s--- and be famous and rich and prove everyone wrong and get my mom a break. I see her every other weekend usually and when I'm not with her, I'm with my dad and stepmom. Somtimes my stepmoms personality disgusts me. It just seems so fake and not genuine. Like she has to be nice all the time and real only in some conditions. But for whatever reason her happiness concerns me less. Probably just not ever fulling connecting on a "family level" we'll call it. However I really care about my dad. Just going through s--- with him and looking at those old pictures god d--- he cares. Everytime it's just me and him we just end up fighting about how my stepmom cooks (which sounds like a silly, playful, thing but it is personal). It more than. The food it's the environment. I have become so isolated and unconnected. Sitting in my f---ing room. I never want to go back in there. I want to conmect. The other day it was just me and my dad and he said something along the lines of "we could watch a movie or do something as long as it's free *chuckles*". I just went into my room not feeling like it but the next day looking at those pictures made me think "does he desperately want to connect with me and it pains him we don't and he just doesn't make it known? So like I said I started crying like a baby after looking at those old pictures and thinking that. I also swear to f---ing god I will figure out how to with him. I don't know if I could live fully content without ever doing it.

I don't really know exactly what this is, but it felt so good writing it.

 

Jun 17, 2016

d--- man I try to avoid getting involved in stuff like this much nowadays cuz it's part of a negative mind state I abandoned a while ago. But to make a long story short I was very depressed and sucidal for 3 years, completely wasted 3 years of my life. But the positive is I've now adopted a very positive mind set no matter what. I mean sure I get sad, even angry at times or whatever but I don't let it last at all and it never sticks with me.

I'm tired as f--- and already took my sleep meds so I don't wanna make this long, but let me know if you wanna talk sometime or whatever. Maybe I could help a bit cuz I feel I kinda came outta that darkness as you said and while I wouldn't say I have an amazing perspective on life, I do have a very positive outlook now and it works for me, and that's what's important in many ways.

 

Jun 17, 2016

You're what, 14-15 or 16 years old? I think it's normal to have a cynical view of the world at that age as you're still maturing and adapting to the changing world around you. It's hard to feel content. I have no idea what a "nvld" is but reading your essay here, there were some parts that screamed out at me like I was reading from a younger version of myself. Things like trying to find happiness or a happy medium, socialising and loathing it yet craving it as well.

I don't really have any tips or advice but it's good you've found some sort of outlet to let these thoughts out.

 

Jun 17, 2016

Alright, here's something I've never admitted before - I couldn't tie my shoes until I was eleven. I wore either slip on or shoes that had straps. Now you'd expect other kids to tall s--- about it, right? Wrong. I didn't let my weaknesses define who I was. I was just a regular kid in some weird a--- shoes lol. When there's things you can't do right now, don't dwell on it. It's unhealthy. I don't have NVLD as far as I know, but it was hard for me to learn to tie my shoes. I would hate to even try to learn because I'd get frustrated with my own inadequacy, but after awhile I realized that I can do this, it's not impossible if I approach it like it is possible. That's how I learned. You cooked an egg wrong, who gives a f---. Go cook another egg in the right pan and see how it goes, you have to separate your ego from learning new things. If you can't pick it up right away, don't get flustered or frustrated. Understand that it takes longer for the information to stick with you, that it's harder for you to learn things. Adjust accordingly and tackle the task your way. Learn your way. It's hard for people to teach you stuff I'd imagine because they don't understand.

Now, as times goes on, you're a teenager right now, your parents are starting to get older. They are going through stuff too, we're all on our own journey, and you won't fully understand your parents until you are their age. They obviously love you and want the best for you. Don't worry about providing your mother with a better life, that'd be great don't get me wrong, but the best gift you can give to her is to take care of yourself. Do well, be able to take care of yourself. That would make her feel complete.

You mentoned you have acne and are overweight, I highly suggest joining a gym. After completing your workout you would feel a sense of accomplishment I think you need. You might feel more confident too which could lead to you finding a nice girl. It's hard to imagine going to the gym all the time I kmow,, at your age though it's perfect. You have a lot on your mind and being alone in your own head as you work out can help you figure things out. I can't stress how much exercise helps young men grow up.

And one more thing - you aren't a genius. You're a kid who thinks differently. That's good, don't label yourself as s genius yet. You have so much left to learn, as do I. Also, if the Zoloft makes you feel weird, don't take it. I'm not suggesting you stop taking medication prescribed by a doctor, though I'm sure you could live without it. Don't rely on that s--- to make you feel better.

 

Jun 17, 2016

I'm pretty sure it's Non Verbal Learning Disability.

 

Jun 18, 2016

Holy s---. @BrandonB1415 is my mirror image.

 

Jun 17, 2016

First paragraph goes deep bro

 

Jun 17, 2016

I actually have been tested and I don't, but yeah kinda haha

 

Jun 17, 2016

Those who can come out of the darkness have such a amazing perspective on life. That's my ultimate life goal