Sep 22, 2015

When I was 16 or so I worked at a dairy queen. I had an a------ customer come in and yell at me for s--- I couldn't control. He ordered a hot dog so I went in the back and put his hot dog in my a--- crack and then I watched him eat it. I feel terrible about it now and haven't had a wiener in my a--- since.

 

Sep 22, 2015

You made fun of thugger? Wtf man.

 

Sep 22, 2015

OK, I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... when my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out!
...but the worst thing I ever done: I mixed up all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. And I never felt so bad in my entire life!

 

Sep 22, 2015

Pissed in a bottle. Gave it to someone and told em it was apple juice. They took a sip.

I was 10 at the time.

 

Sep 22, 2015

I worked at a restaurant through high school and college. Normally I wouldn't do anything too f----- up besides licking peoples food or dropping it on the kitchen floor (this is only for really s-----y customers by the way). But we had a regular douche bag who would come in and complain every single f---ing time. I had him on a busy saturday night. Made me send his burger back because it was over cooked, then not cooked enough, then the Bun wasn't good for some reason. By the time we got the Bun complaint I found the best bun i could find, took it in the back and swiped it in the taint bro. I never regretted it.

 

Sep 22, 2015

made fun of a mentally handicapped person during recess in 4th grade

 

Sep 22, 2015

on the first day of grade primary there was this kid who seemingly gave zero f---s and would cut the teacher off with crazy a--- noises and howls and sounds i'd never heard before. me and my best friend thought it was hilarious and laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore. we were pulled aside and it turned out he had severe down syndrome and neither of us had any idea what it was and had never seen a mentally disabled person before.

 

Sep 22, 2015

holy s--- ur a d-ck dude

 

Sep 26, 2015

I told my friend the world would be a better place if he had never been born..
I used to put a pillow on my sisters face and try to suffocate her.

 

Sep 22, 2015

I don't know if this is evil, but one day i took some porno magazines to the school, i know don't the equivalent of the US school grade but i was 14, we were looking at it suddenly a teacher caught us (this was a serious issue in school back in 2002) so the teacher take us to the principal office and he threatened to kick us out of school, my friends were almost crying snitching on me, long story short we were suspended for a week and didn't tell my parents so that whole week i pretend to be in school but let me quote Chad warden "i was ballin in the city"

 

Sep 22, 2015

I broke all my vows. I scandalized my child. I took another man's name and made nothing of it

 

Sep 22, 2015

For no reason I threw old lasagna I found in a trashcan on some random girl, back when I was 11. Girl turned out to be f---ing hot now 8 years later

 

Sep 26, 2015

when I randomly think about things I've done

 

Sep 22, 2015

That's a serial killer vibe right there

 

Sep 22, 2015

Stole a lotta money from my mother's credit card just to hang out with the friends. Always hated myself for doing that even though I was 15.

 

Sep 25, 2015

Tell me now so you can sleep with a clear conscience