May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 1:
"So goodbye Rap Basement, Goodbye StudioLeaks, Goodbye SXN80 and this great community, and most importantly, goodbye once and for all, JMG. That's it"- JMG (2022)
And just like that, JMG was gone. Although the JMG Day festivities were fun as always, the ending felt different. You'd think that a year after surviving an assassination attempt, nothing could shock this community at that level. But JMG left like he said he would and to say that the forum changed would be an understatement. Slyk banned JMG from ever returning and it seemed that he and DKC were more determined than ever to make SXN80 into a regime. Jankland had already began making moves to get to the vacant throne. There had been various rumors about everything being planned form the start, but I talked to JMG leading up to the Parade and that didn't seem like something he was planning to do. I had just come back from giving a premium bottle of Jack Daniels to Old Willie when I got a phone call. It was Kon

"Hey, you meet me outside the Mom's Spaghetti restaurant at 12 PM, it's urgent" I got to the place as fast as possible when I saw Kon walk in in a stained old trench coat. "Hey Kon wh-" Kon decided to cut straight to the point. "JMG did not retire willingly. Someone forced him. And I've got proof" Kon handed me an envelope. "I hope you'll know what to do with this" Kon disappeared into the night. In the envelope was a list of names

X ANTMAN
X JEANS
X ENEZ
X SAV STANFIELD​

All those posters had been removed from positions of power over the last week. Whatever this was, it was organized. Then I noticed one more name near the bottom:
JOEYP

I had to get to the bottom of this. My car was going under renovations after being hit with a shrapnel during the COTI/Bigfoot conflict so I needed some form of transport. I got on the nearest Taxi and made my way to my destination.
TO BE CONTINUED.

 

May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 4:
Chrollo sat me down in Slyk's office. I waited patiently there until Slyk finally came in.

"Slyk!, I've uncovered a plan to k--- off all of JMG's possible replacements and-" "I know." Slyk said. After JMG betrayed us by retiring right after becoming admin, all of his replacements have been put under our watch. We simply don't have enough proof to do anything at this point." After trying to convince Slyk by bringing up how I witnessed the deaths of Joey, Marsh and Enigma, he came up with an ultimatum. "Due to being involved with this investigation, I'm placing you on a 24 Hour thread ban". This was devastating. This meant I was forced to interact with the real world for the first time in a long time. While in the SXN80 prison courtyard I encountered poop dogg, who was en route to be put under capital punishment for his crimes.

"Remember. The Durag is the key to everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G" he said as he was dragged away. For the rest of my time I served as the unofficial host of the rap battles held there. Pwizz was going against FiveOh who had just defeated LasiK in a beatboxing round. All three of them were supposed to be signed to the CreativeSXN record label but once JMG retired they were all indicted on RICO charges.
Once I got out of prison I remembered poop dogg's last words. What did the durag mean? Since Marsh was already dead, him being involved made little to no sense, It was late ani night so I had to wait until the next morning in order to pay a visit to DuragSZN. Thankfully, Willie and his friend Chaotic Progress let me crash with them for the night in CP's pizza hut home. I still smell like bagel bites as of the time of this writing

I found the nearest subway train and made my way to DuragSZN, in order to expose the conspiracy that was going on
TO BE CONTINUED

 

May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 2:
While in the taxi, I knew that I was going to need a better form of transportation to get to joey. Thankfully the taxi driver understood and drove me all the way to Spain. As I got closer to the special education center, I heard a familiar tune on a speaker:
" It goes One, Two, Three, Four
Rush Room, C4"

Marsh came out in a black pullover with the same durag he's always had. "What's up my ese!" he said while failing to do a crip walk in his battered 3 year old Asics. "Marsh, I'm going to need your help. I need to get to Alabama as fast as possible to save Joey. I'm going to need the duragmobile." Marsh looked at me confused "Damnnnn ese that's crazyyy. But u know me and my shorty was gonna go to the club bumping that new Billie EIlish record y'know? Okay, I'll let you ride in the Duragmobile with 1 condition. You help me find Supsuck once and for all." I always knew Marsh was r-----ed but I had to deal with him in order to get to the bottom of this.

DA DURAGMOBILE
We got to Alabama soon enough. As I walked into Joey's dog nursery I found something very off. The locks were broken, and there had been signs of a struggle. Eventually I found Joey laying on the ground with his back broken. "Joey, Joey what is it man? who did this to you??" Joey's eyes showed me he didn't have much time left. As his soul left his body he uttered his last words:
"P-P-P-Poop Dogg".

I was shocked. As I got out of the nursery I knew that I had to to get to COTI HQ as fast as possible. "Marsh, change of plans. We need to got to COTI" Marsh looked at me while trying to speak with his badly botoxed lips, "d--- ese that-" "Shut the f--- up Marsh". I put the coordinates in the Duragmobile's GPS as we made our way to confront poop dogg.
TO BE CONTINUED:

 

Jun 1, 2022

CHAPTER 8:
I got back to the forum just in time. However, the entire landscape had changed for the worst.

-SXN80 2022 (Colorized)
I made my way back to what was formerly the much reviled EminemSXN. Chuny was still the head but to say that EmSXN was unloyal would be an understatement. TheBorgerShop held his own rebellion of Revival fanatics, after Danny Tanner was captured and forced to work in the cobalt mines. The only reason I truly came here was in order to get some sot of transport. I was able to borrow a small ship from Mandalorian and started flying towards Puerto Rico.
MY SHIP:

Then, I saw a horrible sight in the dark starry, sky.
.
As it turns out, Gustavo brought out Carnifex's burned body just in time. encasing him in a dark suit dubbing him "Carnisex".
.
I knew for a fact that Gustavo was on the SXN80 Death Star, but I knew that I couldn't go in alone. I returned very quickly and picked up Ricky, who would have to face his old friend once again. We also stopped at the LifeSXN cantina, employing the services of professional posters, ReservoirGod and Ordinary Joel. We were ready to save SXN80. As we got closer, we noticed the Death Star's laser activated aiming towards a certain forum.

KTT2 was f---ing dead. We quickly got into the Superweapon and were encountered by legions of Gustavo's brainwashed 15 year old followers, and began fighting. Me and Res ended up going undercover dressed as some of them. Sadly however, I shot Res in the head when he stopped helping us unless we had a serious talk about vaccines.

-Res' Final Moments.
Alas, we were finally here we needed to be. Joel was piloting the ship that would get us out in the escape. Me and Ricky proceeded to confront Gustavo and Carnisex once and for all.
TO BE CONTINUED

 

May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 3:
We got to COTI HQ in a surprisingly short trip. Marsh fell asleep watching Harry Potter p--- parody he bought from Farkle so I was left to myself for most of the trip. i had been planning to retire myself at some point in the future, but after seeing what JMG's absence did to the forum, I realized that there's always going to be a need for someone to document everything that's happening. I left Marsh asleep in the Duragmobile as I snuck in through the building's ventilation system. When I got to the COTI floor, I managed to see the three members I expected to find here: Poop Dogg, Chrollo, and Skux. Skux's lips seemed more infected than usual, so something must've happened in order to receive that sort of punishment.

The truth is I had no idea why Poop Dogg killed Joey and all of the former mods off. I was paying attention when suddenly someone came in through the elevator. I expected it to be someone like BIGFOOT or Carnifex who had some times to COTI. So, imagine my surprise when the one and only M Solo came through. Solo brought with him a man with a sack over his head, his mouth clearly gagged. Poop Dogg said in his Bane voice "You brought the next part of our plant haven't you? #COTI #Independent". Solo smiled and took off the sack showing Enigma looking bewildered. Solo sat down to take a drink with Poop when a noise interrupted the silence. My phone went off and the whole room heard "Kanye West-Yandhi (2019) Best Version" playing from my speakers. I was screwed. Solo brought me down and it was time to face COTI head on.
Solo proceeded to beat Enigma unconscious with a baseball bat. When I asked Poop Dogg about his motives he said the following. "Since JMG left this forum, we have all been forced to go through drastic measures to ensure our survival. The less mods, the more this forum can thrive!!!" Skux began belly laughing until the Duragmobile came crashing in running him over. "I'm here ese!!!!" said Marsh while Paul Rosenberg (Instrumental) played through the speakers. "Marsh you f---ing idiot!" I said right before Solo opened fire on the vehicle. I took the opportunity to try to take down poop dogg but his COTI aura was too much for my mortal body to fight against. Marsh was fuckng dead like I expected after crashing into a three story building and Solo set his sights on me. I thought I was done for until Chrollo pulled a badge from his hat. "Nobody Move! You are all under arrest by the SXN80 Mod Team!!"

As Poop and Solo were led into the police cruiser, Chrollo turned to me. "You're coming with me, Slyk wants to talk to you.
TO BE CONTINUED

 

May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 5:
I got to the DuragSZN lounge at around noon. Right outside I saw icecube yelling at the neighborhood children

"You here to see Durag son? They're inside step on in". Once inside I was greeted by Carnifex . At first we mainly discussed previous events like the death of Marsh and Joey, and JMG's dissapearance. Since JMG's departure, DuragSZN has worked to calm down the qualms between other posters, becoming a bigger force in forum politics in the process. Everything changed once I brought up poop dogg and his declaration that "Durag is the key".

Carnifex aimed a pistol at me and called for reinforcements. "Sorry yeez, but anybody who brings up COTI in our longue has to face the consequences. JMG's retirement was difficult enough, and we don't want to get involved in more problems that we are in right now. The admins have us doing our part and we can't let anything come in the way." Then we suddenly hear a stoic voice proclaiming, "I'M RICK JAMES BITCHHH"

Ricky came in looking incredibly worried. "Carnifex, we have a problem!". That's when the 50 inch plasma TV at the corner of the room caught our attention, shocking both me and Carnifex:

"What the f---, this wasn't part of the deal" Carnifex said. The TV anchor, relayed that Slyk was assassinated outside his house in Malibu alongside Michael Myers ad Sign Language being nowhere to be found. "What was the deal? What was the deal Carnifex??" I said worryingly as the information kept on being shown on the TV. "The deal was that if we patroled the forum for shitposter's that the DuragSZN brotherhood would be vetter. We didn't know Slyk was going to die. This is bad, really really bad." Eventually DCK came up on the screen preparing to give a speech to the forum. Ricky said "Carni, I can't get in contact with the rest of the members, they've been captured". Whatever was going on, DuragSZN had nothing to do with. DKC showed up with the following message

"Dear posters. I am greatly saddened to hear about the death of my fellow admin Slyk especially so shortly after the departure of our previous admin JMG. We also have found out that our moderators michael myers and sign language have gone missing and are presumed dead. In the wake of this it is important to bring new leadership to this forum. Please welcome our new moderators: Jankland and funkymonkey!"


Oh boy. This is just getting started.
TO BE CONTINUED:

 

Jun 1, 2022

CHAPTER 10:
certain parts of this chapter were modified as a result of a legal complaint filed by {REDACTED}
As I entered Gustavo's throne room, the smell of Liz Claiborne was overwhelming. The room was dark and I had no way to navigate. Then, tthe lights turned on
"Ahhhh Mr. Yeez, I've been expecting you. Mmmmmmm" Gustavo had... put on some pounds since the last time we'd seen him. He was indulged in a strange black liquid that smelled terrible. Thankfully for me, Gustavo had gotten so fat that his entire penis was obscured. "I've come to put an end to this!" I said angrily. Everything led up to this confrontation. JMG's retirement, Marsh's Death, the destruction of DuragSZN, everything. "Why did you do this Gustavo? Why?" Gustavo began to levitate

"It's hard being Gustavo Jax y'know. There are other Latino posters. Other Gay posters. But there is only one Gustavo. In the modern world, only the people at the top get the finest 16 year olds to themselves. It doesn't matter how many admins you have to assassinate, how many posters you need to indoctrinate, as long as you meet your goal. Now it is time to unveil the final part of my plan" The door behind us slowly opened

"Yeez, please welcome back the one and only {REDACTED}!!! I couldn't' t believe it. {REDACTED} was back. So all this time, Gustavo took down the entire forum, to take us back to degeneracy. I knew it was time to fight and prepared myself, I had never fought against {REDACTED} before, and with Gustavo's training who knew what his power level was. {REDACTED} came in.... and knocked me down with just one punch.

I was done. Gustavo's teachings of the pedophile master arts made {REDACTED} to difficult for me to take on. I began blacking out until I remembered what I was doing this for. The forum, even in this dying state was a community that deserved to live on. So with all of my strength, I got up. I pulled out my 2006 iPod and blasted my favorite FiveOh and Playwryte song. I was ready

Me and {REDACTED} began fighting. I remembered one of the teachings JMG told me once, which is to always know your enemy. So when {REDACTED} least expected it, I pulled out a footstool, and beat him over the head. {REDACTED} was done once and for good.

"{REDACTED}. My poor sweet {REDACTED}. I've had enough of you" said Gustavo as he proceeded to chase me around. I had no idea what I could do. Gustavo's pedophilic aura was too much for my body to fight against. Then suddenly, we heard a song. Insane Clown Posse's "Miracles" began playing as a stairway to heaven showed up,
"Could it be? No, No, No, No!!!!" Gustavo screamed in fear. Then he exploded into dust, as if he never existed. I was confused, until I saw a man coming down the staircase. Very slowly I was able to figure out. who the figure was.

"My son," Koolo said "When I created every single poster, I made them in my own self image." "Maybe that wasn't for the best" he said while looking at {REDACTED} 's body. "But, for the most part it has worked" The reconstruction of SXN80, will be slow and gradual, but we will come back from this, "But Koolo, what do I do now?" I said. After JMG's retirement, and everything that had happened I had no idea how to go on. Koolo looked at me and laughed. "Just log off and come back tomorrow. Go outside for once, This forum isn't going anywhere". And as fast as he showed up, Koolo vanished. Me and Chrollo began to rebuild the forum as we were the only members willing to . Ialso decided to take Koolo's advice, and for the first time since all of this started I went and took a trip to Niagara Falls. The forum still needed an investigator however, and as long as I'm here they'll have one.

THE END

 

Jun 1, 2022

CHAPTER 9:
Carnisex and his superior, Grand Moff Wreckless were making plans to destroy the next forum in their list

Ricky and I barged in. Carnisex was ready and pulled out his lightsaber. Ricky however crossed his legs and began meditating. We all stood there dumbfounded as to what was happpening. Then it all made sense. I remember how Marsh once told me that with enough concentration, one could bring beings from other dimensions into ours. While I chalked it up to Marsh's r-----ed delusions back then, maybe he was right after all. Then out of nowhere a second ricky appeared.

Ricky and Ricky II (Ricky Balboa) proceeded to fight against Carnisex. Carni fought hard using his shitposter powers but it was no use. Ricky sacrificed himself by attaching a canibus mixtape to his chest. The mixtape was so fire that it detonated him alongside Carnisex. Ricky II and I interrogated Wreckless until he gave us the keys to the Death Star's reactor. In around 4 minutes we shut the laser off, saving the other forums from being destroyed. I knew there was no way out, so I made Ricky II leave with Ordinary Joel back to the forum. The decor on the base was incredibly disturbing especially when I saw the giant altar dedicated to Gustavo

I got to the door of Gustavo's throne room. As I opened the door, the last part of this investigation began.
TO BE CONTINUED

 

May 31, 2022

CHAPTER 6:
Carnifex, Ricky and me made our way outside the Durag Lounge. Funkymonkey's troops had us surrounded. Funkymonkey hopped out of a military tank.
"All of you are to be summoned in front of DKC to decide your fates." funkymonkey said with his heavy lisp. Carnifex responded "DuragSZN will never bow down to someone like you. The durag brotherhood is strong and unbreakable." Then suddenly Jankland came in with a noticebaly more demonic look
"The SXN80 mod team has a lot in store for DuragSZN. Join us Carnise- I mean Carnifex, and we will ascend our brotherhood to the highest level". Carnifex seemed conflcited, misusing his influence. Then he made a decision."I accept" "Carnifex, what the f--- are you doing?" Ricky said. "If you're not with me you're my enemy." Carnifex said. "Only a shitposter deals in absolutes." I will do what I must, Ricky said as he pulled out his Durag adorned lightsaber. "You will try" Carnifex said

As Carnifex and Ricky began dueling, I snuck into Funkymonkey's tank. Luckily for me, he had a self destruction button in clear sight right next to his falsified "School of JMG" degree. The tank exploded, killing funkymonkeyand his troops. Carnifex was heavily burned in the explosion. Ricky looked at his fallen friend, "You were the chosen one! You were supposed todestroy the shitposters, not join them!". I informed Ricky that I was going to confront DKC while he dragged Jankland's unconcious body to discord therapy. I ran all the way to Saudi Arabia, in order to confront DKC once and for all.
TO BE CONTINUED

 

Jun 2, 2022

 

Jun 1, 2022

I sell ketamine

 

Jun 1, 2022

 

Jun 1, 2022

CHAPTER 7:

I finally made it to SXN80 HQ. The building was more run down than I expected, but I knew that DKC must be in there somewhere. The previous events still didn't make much sense to me. How did JMG retiring lead to Slyk being dead, DuragSZN collapsing, poop dogg executed. How did any of this happen? I made my way inside when I got to DKC's office. I was fully prepared for whatever faced me behind that door, so I opened it.

I found DKC dancing to Playboi Carti's "Stop Breathing". Not that I wouldn't do the same, but considering the recent events, it seemed particularly insensitive. "Ahhh yeez, welcome to our headquarters. (slatt) Please sit down so we can have a talk my fellow slime". I sat down on DKC's table and waited for him. He eventually came in with 2 full bottles of lean. "So, what brings you here today?" he said, totally oblivious to everything that happened. "Why am I here? Slyk is dead, you put funkymonkey as a global mod, MM and SL are missing, why the h--- do you think I'm here?". DKC looked at me very solemnly "All of those events are very tragic and I'm doing my best to run this forum considering them. I don't have any significant leads yet, so I'm keeping everything confidential for now." I made up my mind. DKC was definitely behind all the murders. "I'm starting to believe you did it. You're the only admin besides Koolo now, you have more control of the forum now, I kno-". DKC's office phone rang. I heard the voice of Australia reporting in .

"Boss, we've got a problem", he said in his natural accent "We found ol' Kon bludgeoned to death with a trophy. I'm sending the scene pictures to ya right now mate". DKC looked at me sternly. "Who gave you the information about this situation anyway. Kon, right?" I nodded slowly as I thought about the fact that the foum seemed unsaveable at this point. Then, Australia's crime scene pictures came in. The scene was graphic except for one item, a latin cup trophy.

Then suddenly, a ballistic missile hit the building, As everything began collapsing I heard DKC's last words "Think of Tito, Tito is the key". I got out of the building just in time. I had hit rock bottom, I was in the middle of Saudi Arabia by myself with no clue as to what was going on. As I laid down I thought back on DKC's words. Tito was the name of the man who was presumably the perpetrator of the JMG assassination attempt in 2021.

None of this made sense though. Why would Tito want revenge against an entire forum? Then I remembered Poop Dogg's message. "Durag is the key". Even with Carnifex's fall and Jankland being promoted as one of the heads of the forum, I knew DuragSZN as an organization wasn't involved. That's when I suddenly understood it. Tito and Durag are the keys, not the answers Tito was hispanic, and Kon was murdered with the latin cup. Jankland and Funkymonkey were specifically promoted, with them both being minors.
Hispanic, Durag, Minor, Jankland...
Oh f---.
It all made sense now. All this time I wasn't traiiling after poop dogg, durag, slyk, DKC or anyobody of that sort.
it's Gustavo.
TO BE CONTINUED...